this world and the people in it.

i try. i want to.

...but as much time and energy as i invest as to why or how something happened or how someone you thought was a friend suddenly turns on you with an unfornseen twist into the story and you are left feeling blindsided and wondering why this moment is happening at this specific time. i guess i've done alot of that in the past 16 hours as someone who i thought was there to help me is no longer in my life due to a rancid email i received stating "A" & "B" and .... i think to myself, all this could have been cleared up with a simple email. but there is no going back now because this person has exited my life rather loudly and rancidly.

maybe i wear my heart on my sleave too much, but what happened in a series of emails , litterally made me speechless because it came so far out of left field. i am crushed and wondering if i will ever be able to trust like that again. yes, money was involved and i'm learning now that friends and money or family and money do not really work together.

since i have been in NYC, things have been good, some bad. like i said in one of my previous posts, a bad day in NYC is better than a bad day anywhere else because it's NY. what i failed to mention is also a bad day in nyc can cut you deeper than if you were somewhere else. maybe that's why new yorkers are so tough. maybe that's why this is happening - to toughen me up. but if everyone is tough, where do we find those moments where we can help one another? i don't want to be a callous new yorker. what's the fun in being like that?

these past two weeks i have been desperately trying to locate a new place to live. the worst feeling in the world is to be homeless and not knowing where you are going to sleep for the evening and to be totally out of money. both of those thoughts have plagued me over the last week. in searching on CL, EVERYONE wants first month's, last month's, security deposit, utilities' deposit, etc.

i have no money to my name. other than my first check from COLONY music this thursday [it will only be for 3 days], i have no money right now. i had to ask the people where i live if i could have some rice and tuna fish until thursday because of that being payday. they were happy to help. and the money i was expecting from the show i was just doing is not going to happen at all [part of my awful day]. no money. broke. not even money for coffee. feeling bad because here i am an adult and should be able to provide for myself. this entire situation brings up so many issues on so many levels for me, can you tell?

so i've no money to get thru the week and i'm searching for a place to live so i am not homeless on september 1st. so i wrote the following email to send to room posts and i used it in my own post:

$800 I expect NOTHING for free; looking for kind soul to let me pay weekly

---

Reply to: hous-810337604@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-08-24, 3:11AM EDT

Hi Kind S o u l,

Just so you know, I am not looking or expecting anything for free; just a kind soul to hear my story/ situation and give me the opportunity of living in a clean and safe living situation that will allow me to get on my feet during the month of September. I am willing and very much wanting to pay my own way and can do so, but unfortunately, not all at once.

Before we go any further in this post, please know that I have EXCELLENT, GLOWING REFERENCES which I am happy to give to you immediately so you can check out my character and my previous renting situations. I am a good fun person with a good heart and believe that people are good. I would do anything for someone who is in a bind.

If you read on and help me out, I promise to help someone else out who is in my situation sometime in the future when I am able to.

I have a regular job as a sales associate at COLONY music in Times Square [I really love this job]. They will vouch that I do work there and am a hard worker. When not working there, I am a musician [pianist/ composer/ arranger/ orchestrator] and picking up gigs here and there to bring in extra cash.
I have money coming in [slowly right now but give me a month and I will not be struggling any longer].
This Thursday is my first payday and I can pay you $200 toward either a security deposit or my first week's rent for September.

I am looking for a place in Manhattan for $800-$850/ month.

here's my situation: I am good for the $$. Yes, I now you don't know me. But living in NYC and getting established here is very important to me. I am willing to sign a sublet agreement with you. I need a nice clean place to live with good people/ roommates. My references will confirm I am not someone who will leave you hanging.

A little about me:
I am a white male, 42 yr old who is originally from Columbus, OH. I have lived in California for the last 14 years and decided to move to NYC for finding work as a musician. I do not do drugs. I work VERY hard on my music and my career. I am gone most of the days [sometimes 14-16 hours] either working or "pounding the pavement" for music jobs or going to rehearsals or auditions. When I get home I usually go to bed to get rested for the next day.

I am a musician/ actor who just moved to NYC on august 2nd. I have a regular job [at COLONY music - I get a 50% discount on all music!] I just started this past weekend. I have money coming in...just not alot right away.

I am a good person with a good big heart and have empathy for people and I am looking for someone with a big heart and empathy to open their home to me with an any sized room I can rent. I believe it will take me a month to get settled financially but I will sign a contract that I will pay you the money you are charging for rent and security deposit. Unfortunately, i just can't do it all at once. If I do move out, I will sign a contract saying that I will give you 30 days notice.

please check out my website: http://blankcanvasmusic.com for more 411 about me and what I do. you can download a music resume on my home page [just click on the "Michael's Resume" button].

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UNIVERSE: I pray that there is someone out there to here my plea for help and will give me the chance to fall into a wonderful living situation for all parties involved. I thank you in advance for hearing me and my asking and for whatever comes my way as an answer to my prayer. ~nameste~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ today i got a call from a lady name A. she told me she couldn't help but notice my prayer/ ending to the post i posted on craigslist and she said as a favor to the universe, she is inviting me to live at her apartment [2 blocks from times square on 48th street and 8th avenue! just where i wanted to be! 2 blocks from work!!!!!!]. she has a very nice place and she is a nice lady who works at a bakery. she just returned from a 5 week vacation in india. because of her trip to india she said she kept coming back to my posting because of my prayer and then she called me and said, please come over and meet her and see the place. i did and she said i could live at her apartment with my own room for 3 weeks free [!] so i can get my finances in order. then i will owe her rent, which i will be able to handle.

i could not believe it. i told her i can't believe that someone is doing something so nice for me. i asked why would she just do this for a complete stranger????? she said she felt the universe wanted her to do that for me.

i still can't believe it. usually i have to push and pull and grunt to make things happen. this time it just came to me.

thank you universe for that.

so i guess the universe is doing some house cleaning of what and who i need and what and who i can do without.

in regards to the first situation above, i really shouldn't think about it so much. it hurts my head and my heart. but i guess i'll never understand....

but i know the universe is watching out for me because i now don't have to worry about $$ or where i'm living after the end of august.

most guys think about sex the most during the day. i think about "do i have enough $$" and "what's going to happen to me if i don't secure a place to live?"

thanks for watching out for me, U...even though i don't understand how or why sometimes....